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LITTLE IRRITATIONS: THE PAPER CUTS OF EVERYDAY LIFE

  • Door dings.
  • Trash bins that are supposed to be animal-proof but aren’t.
  • Dropped calls.
  • FEDEX drivers who double-park.
  • Stores that post the wrong hours online.
  • Meter maids.
  • Parents who bring their kids to daycare when they’re sick.
  • Traffic.
  • Drivers who make phone calls instead of turning.
  • Construction delays.
  • Drivers who don’t wait their turn at 4-way stops.
  • Tele-marketers who claim they don’t have to heed the “Do Not Call” registry because you’re a customer of their subsidiaries’ off-shore cousin’s shell company.
  • SUVs parked in compact spaces.
  • Chatty baristas who don’t seem to care/realize there are now 37 people in line.
  • The drive-thru (especially McDonald’s).
  • Golf.
  • People who don’t pick up after their pets.
  • News promos that use the words “deadly,” “outbreak,” and “protect yourself” when all they’re actually talking about is the flu.
  • Parents who call before 8:30 am.
  • Activities that are canceled or postponed by e-mail a few hours before they’re supposed to start.
  • Radio stations that have 25 minutes of commercials every hour.
  • Things at the supermarket that are still on the shelves days, weeks or months after their expiration date.
  • Cable-company DVRs.
  • Apple Airport Extreme Wi-Fi.
  • Universal remotes.
  • Spellcheck.
  • When your kids hide your keys.
  • Saran Wrap.

If Eskimos have a thousand words for snow, shouldn’t we have a thousand words for life’s little irritations?

For most of us, a day doesn’t go by that God, the universe, fate, karma, quantum physics or all-of-the-above don’t needle our emotional well-being, usually when we’re running late, just had an argument with our spouse or suddenly realized we forgot to get a babysitter for tomorrow night so we could go to dinner and a movie and finally get a break from all this crap.

It doesn’t help that these cosmic paper cuts never seem to be isolated one- offs, either, but instead come in sets, like celebrity deaths and unsolicited parenting suggestions from opinionated strangers – it’s not just the long line at Starbucks, it’s having them mess up your order twice and then spilling your extra-hot, half-caf hazelnut mocha down the front of your shirt as you pull out of the parking lot.

The impact of these little irritations – and they are little, even if we can’t figure out how not to sweat them – increases exponentially as the day progresses, to the point where we find ourselves cursing some 82-year-old women with a walker because she’s not crossing the street fast enough, or threatening to ground our kids for the rest of their natural lives if they EVER give the dog another peanut butter and jelly sandwich again, or contemplating divorce because our spouse forgot (again) to fill up the car when it got close to empty, leaving us in the position of having to coast down the hill to the Shell.

Psychologists say the only reason any of this stuff annoys us the way it does is because it reminds us that we’re not really in control (no matter how thoroughly we’ve managed to convince ourselves otherwise) and that ultimately mastering the moment isn’t nearly as important as just being in it, regardless of whether that moment is good, bad, satisfying, awful, rewarding, stressful, happy, sad, amusing, aggravating, etc.

But as nice as that sounds (in a zen-like, higher-consciousness kind of way), who has the time to learn how to do that? Or the energy? Or the patience?

If learning to live in the moment can’t be accomplished in one 30-minute session two times a week, in the car on the drive home from work, or during one of those rare moments when every kid in the house is quietly pre-occupied, then it just becomes one more thing we don’t have time to squeeze in but try to do anyway – or would try to do if we didn’t have to wait for the knucklehead in the car ahead of us to get off the phone and go.

Note: It’s easy to complain about life’s little irritations, but it’s also important to point out that we could probably eliminate entire categories of irritation if we really, really wanted to – just moving to a remote cabin in Montana and living off the land, for example, would instantly rid us of driving-, shopping-, neighbor-, school- and work-related annoyances (though it would probably more than make up for that by adding starvation-, bear attack-, hypothermia-, and isolation-related irritations, so maybe that’s not such a good trade-off. Plus, let’s not forget that Unabomber Ted Kaczynski moved to a remote cabin in Montana so he could get away from it all and look what happened to him).

WASHING THEIR MOUTHS OUT WITH VIRTUAL SOAP

PARENT: Hey… why’s your computer off? I thought you were on that internet kid’s club?
KID: I was. But I got kicked out.
PARENT: What?!?!?! Why?
KID: Well… you know how you tell me I shouldn’t say bad words?
PARENT: Yeah.
KID: You never told me I shouldn’t type them, either.
PARENT: Oh.
KID: You’re not gonna wash my mouth out with soap like your mom did, are you?
PARENT: No, that only happened when we saida bad word.
KID: Good, ‘cause that sounds gross.
PARENT: It was. But I am gonna make you get some soap and scrub under your fingernails.
KID: Why? Because I used them to type a bad word?
PARENT: No, because I can see they’re dirty.

FACEBOOK ANXIETY SUPPORT GROUP

  • What do you do if you just don’t get it?
  • Does that mean you’re hopelessly out of touch?
  • Or that you have better things to do?
  • If you do sign up now, doesn’t that mean the whole thing is that much closer to being uncool? And that everybody under 25 is already moving on to something else?
  • What if you sign up and nobody wants to be your friend?
  • What if you sign up and nobody wants to be your friend except people you don’t want to be friends with?
  • If somebody invites you to be their friend but you have no idea who they are, should you still accept?
  • And if you don’t accept, should you explain why?
  • Will they hate you?
  • If somebody doesn’t accept your friend request, should you take it personally?
  • If you do take it personally even though you haven’t talked to the person in 10 or 15 years, is that strange?
  • What if your boss wants to be your friend?
  • Or your creepy neighbor?
  • Or the person who got drunk at the last neighborhood block party and tried to hit on you?
  • If you sign your parents up because you think they will get a kick out of it but then they start posting updates you find embarrassing, stupid or just a huge waste of time, will they cut you out of their will if you unfriend them?
  • If you run into somebody you’ve unfriended at the supermarket, do you have to ignore them?
  • Will they ignore you?
  • When you create your profile, should you make it public or private?
  • If it’s public, how much personal information should you share?
  • If it’s private, how much personal information is too much personal information?
  • Can you exaggerate?
  • Is everybody else exaggerating?
  • If you look at the photos of your friends from high school to see if they are fatter than you are before including your own photo, does that make you a shallow person?
  • If you look at the photos of your friends from high school to see if they are fatter than you are before photoshopping your own photo, does that make you a bad person?
  • If you don’t post very often, will your friends think you’re just too boring?
  • If you post all the time, will your friends think you’re just too bored?
  • What if your updates are stupid?
  • What if your updates are pointless?
  • What if your updates are way too long and personal?
  • What if nobody ever responds to your posts? Ever? Does that mean you’re a loser?
  • Or just offline?
  • What if you just don’t want to tell everyone what you’re doing?
  • If you are pissed off about something and/or drunk and you respond to a friend’s post with an update that’s mean-spirited or cruel, can you just send them an e-mail to say you’re sorry?
  • Or do you have to make the apology public, too?
  • Where does it all end?
  • If you reluctantly sign up for Facebook, how long before you then have to sign up for Twitter?
  • And if have no time for Facebook updates, how are you going to find time to tweet?
  • What is a tweet, anyway?
  • At what point does all this social networking become too much for anyone to keep up with?
  • Have we reached that point already?
  • And if we have, could somebody please go to Facebook or Twitter and say so?

IPHONE APPS

App: iNeedABreak

What it does: Uses a computer-generated voice to make vague threats — “You better be careful!” — ask cautionary rhetorical questions — “Do you really think that’s a good idea?” — or inquire in a generic way into the state of things — “Is everybody okay down there?” — at random or pre-set intervals so you can sneak away and take a nap, watch TV, read a book, or in some other way take a break from 24/7 policing/lifeguarding and relax.

Also has a special setting that enables it to sense those uneasy silences that are almost always followed by blood and/or tears and say “Hey! What are you kids doing?”

Pricing: Less than the hourly cost of a babysitter for the pro version; free version replaces every 10th statement with one from an advertiser like “Anyone hungry for Doritos-Brand Tortilla Chips?” or “Who wants to play High School Musical 3?”

Who would buy it: Parents of kids age 2 to 12, and possibly middle-managers.