KID: Are you sick?
PARENT: No.
KID: Then why do you look like you’re gonna throw-up?
PARENT: The President is talking about the economic crisis again.
KID: What’s an economic crisis?
PARENT: Well… Basically, it’s when everybody in the country suddenly realizes they’re fucked.
KID: GASP! You said a bad word.
PARENT: I’m sorry.
KID: You’re not supposed to say bad words.
PARENT: You’re right. Even with a situation as bad as this, I shouldn’t swear.
KID: Why is the situation so bad, anyway?
PARENT: The cost of living is going up. Real wages are going down. People’s houses are worth less than they owe on them. Nobody can get credit any more. We can’t seem to find a way to use less energy. And now the experts are saying the very foundation upon which our entire economy is based is cracked at best, and may actually be broken beyond repair.
KID: Wow. We are fucked.
PARENT: Now you said a bad word.
KID: Sorry. Do I have to wash my mouth out with soap now?
PARENT: No, but only because we can’t afford any.
|
|
||||
Click image for amazon.com link |
Oprah and Sarah Palin sitting down together? Isn’t that like matter sitting down with anti-matter? And isn’t that supposed to make the universe explode? Since we’re all still here, it must have gone reasonably well. Which raises the question: what will they do next? First, of course, Oprah will have to call The White House to explain why she gave millions of dollars in free publicity to President Obama’s 2012 opponent, and Sarah will have to call Rush Limbaugh (or Glenn Beck) to explain why she gave a guaranteed ratings bump to a liberal. But after that? While they could just go their separate ways, both are shrewd enough to realize that between the two of them they appeal to 94% of the U.S. population, and would therefore be unbeatable at the polls. True, they do have philosophical differences, but they also have Dr. Phil to help them work those out. (And if he couldn’t help, they could sit down with Hillary for a little advice on how to get along with somebody you don’t always agree with.) Absurd? Sure, but what aspect of politics isn’t? And think of all the advantages they’d have:
There is one sticking point: who’d be the candidate and who’d be the running mate? Which brings up the following poll:  Loading ...
Don’t let the credit crisis, the housing slump, gas prices, global warming, the cost of groceries, layoffs or the generally sad state of world affairs stop you from enjoying quality time with your kids. Instead, let these troubles inspire you with the following games: Mortgage, Mortgage, Who’s Got The Mortgage? Kids sit in a circle with their fists closed, pretending to hold a button, which in this case represents a mortgage. As you go around the circle, everybody says “Mortgage, mortgage, who’s got the mortgage?” and then whoever’s turn it is says “Billy has the mortgage.” Billy must then open his fist to show everybody if he has the button/mortgage or not. The joke, of course, is that he doesn’t. In fact, nobody does, because credit is still so tight nobody can get one. Stock Market Limbo How low can it go? There’s one way to find out: put on “The Limbo Song” and see if you can make it under without collapsing. Time Travelers Take an imaginary trip to the future without leaving home. Just unplug the air conditioner, shut off the water main, and set the thermostat as high as it will go. The first person to pass out from heat stroke loses, the last one standing gets a half-glass of dirty water and a chance to play “An Inconvenient Truth: The Home Edition.” The Crumbling Infrastructure Game Just like “London Bridge is Falling Down,” only substitute something local. U.N. Election Monitor Help ensure the spread of democracy with this variation on “Kick The Can.” Select one U.N. Election Monitor, then divide everyone else up into two groups: voters and henchmen. While you turn your back and pretend every- thing is going really, really well, “voters” try to run up and kick the can before “henchmen” stop them. Magic 81/4 – Ball Buy? Sell? Forget your broker’s “opinion” and just ask the Magic 81/4 – Ball. It couldn’t be any worse. Filibusted Pretend you’re Congress and you’re trying to do something to re-ignite the economy, only you get so bogged down in partisanship you just stand around calling each other names. The Coupon Game What kid doesn’t like to cut things out? Here, you put yours to work helping you find enough coupons to make up the difference between what you make and what you spend. (While technically not a game, it would probably be helpful. Plus, you can give your kids bonus points if they find any coupons that are good for discounted liquor or anti-depressants.) Chinese Toy Russian Roulette Toxic? Non-toxic? Line up the toys and use a home lead-test to find out. Now that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has announced her resignation, what will she do next? Some possibilities, whether you love her or hate her:
POLLSTER: I’m sorry to be the one to say this, Mr. President, but we have a problem. DICK CHENEY: Jesus Christ! Lindsay Lohan Since the public is more interested in celebrity than the law (except where the two collide), why not add a little star-power to the Supreme Court? Rumors of whether she’s dating Ruth Bader Ginsburg or not would keep the tabloids buzzing for months, and after that there’d certainly be a steady stream of scandal and indiscretion. The winner of the next American Idol Every court case is really just a glorified popularity contest anyway, so at least this would bring in somebody with national experience. David Letterman A lot of people say legal opinions are a joke, but at least this way they’d be funny. A XXX Porn Star This way when people say they were screwed by the court, at least it would have been done by a professional. Simon Cowell Given the way he shreds everybody who appears before him, it would certainly make C-Span coverage of Supreme Court arguments fun to watch. (Though it might make Judge Scalia jealous, since he’s the one who does this kind of thing right now.) Jeb Bush After what George W. did to the family name, the only shot he has at any kind of position of power in the U.S. is one he’s appointed to. Dan Brown, James Paterson, John Grisham etc. Supreme Court opinions are usually so boring, nobody reads them. At least with one of these guys they’d be popular page-turners where you wouldn’t find out whether they dissent, concur or side with the majority until the very last sentence. Plus, all those convoluted twists and turns of logic that sometimes seem to come out of nowhere would just be seen as good ways of advancing the plot. Bill Clinton People wonder what Supreme Court Justices wear under their robes, but with him on the bench everybody would know: nothing. Nancy Reagan’s old Astrologer Because maybe it’s time legal opinions were based on something besides an interpretation of the law? A random citizen If being randomly selected is good enough for being on a jury, why not use the same criteria for being on the bench, too? While it’s true that most people don’t know the first thing about the law, that just gives lawyers an advantage. Besides, wouldn’t it be refreshing to hear a Supreme Court Justice say “it may be legal, but it’s stupid. So I say ‘Strike it down!’” The “Octomom” While you could question her judgment in having so many babies, with that many kids in her care, she’ll have to master the art of making Solomon-like decisions, which is exactly the kind of thing a good Supreme Court Judge should do. Bozo, The Clown For the obvious reason that confirmation hearings have become nothing more than a 3-ring circus. Oprah For millions of Americans, her word is already law, so why not just go ahead and put some Constitutional authority behind it? In light of Texas Governor Rick Perry’s recent flirtation with independence, other states might do well to consider seceding, too: Illinois Secedes for 48 hours – long enough to declare all forms of political corruption, both past and present, legal, then rejoins United States. Louisiana Declares independence, then lobbies U.S. government for humanitarian aid to finish repairs from hurricane Katrina. Mississippi, Arkansas Follow Louisiana’s lead in the hope of getting aid, but are shocked to discover that with nothing of significance except The William J. Clinton Presidential Library, the U.S. government just isn’t interested in giving them any money. Stiffed, they form a new country called “Miss An”, and — after U.S. stops providing operating funds for the Clinton Library — they turn it into a whorehouse, which everybody thinks if kind of appropriate. For the U.S., not having to include Mississippi in secondary school math, science and reading proficiency test results instantly bumps it from 39th in the world to 14th, which the Obama administration uses as proof its education policies are working. North Dakota & South Dakota Both declare independence, but tensions mount when they each demand to be called simply “Dakota.” War breaks out, and for a while it looks like South Dakota will win until newly-independent Montana – which seceded when the federal government balked at its plans to abolish speed limits on all of its roads – comes in on the side of the former North Dakota. Florida Leaves union, reveals itself to be populated almost entirely by aliens. Michigan’s Upper Peninsula Leaves U.S. for Canada, doesn’t see any real difference except in switching from dollars to loonies. Utah HBO mounts stealth grassroots campaign for Utah independence in an attempt to boost ratings for “Big Love,” but ultimately pulls out when it realizes it doesn’t have any money left to spend after subscriptions wither away because it doesn’t have any hits anymore. Nevada Declares independence, legalizes everything, but is then mysteriously swallowed up by a giant sandstorm that many claim came to be the handiwork of God, but is really just an unexpected consequence of Lake Mead going completely dry. Puerto Rico Given the exodus of states, Puerto Rico finally makes a serious bid for statehood but is rejected. California Initially splits into North California and South California, with capitols in San Jose and Burbank, respectively. Following the passage of Proposition 2BU, San Francisco is allowed to declare itself a sovereign nation akin to Vatican City (or, perhaps, the anti-Vatican City), but this liberal utopia quickly goes to shit when President Newsom gives into City Council pressure and abolishes the rule of law entirely. Within days, it becomes clear that nobody is inherently fair and good, as many in the area had come to believe, and are instead selfish and cruel, as Conservatives had long suggested. It isn’t until Nancy Pelosi kisses Dick Cheney’s fat, white ass that he agrees to provide her with a Haliburton private contractor army she can use to restore order. Texas After holding a press conference to say he hadn’t advocated secession, Gov. Rick Perry holds another press conference to say that he misspoke at the earlier press conference and that he did, in fact, suggest that Texas secede — until he realizes that if Texas secedes it would have to deal with illegal immigration and border violence without the benefit of federal funds, and then reverses himself on reversing himself on reversing himself until nobody knows what the Hell he means and elects somebody else Governor. Washington D.C. Finally allowed to become a state, but elects Marion Berry Governor and then has statehood revoked for lack of jugement. Shortly after announcing plans to shut down Gitmo at some point in the not-too-distant future, President Obama was attacked by Republicans for living in fantasyland if he thinks this can happen, if for no other reason than there’s nowhere else the government can house detainees – at least not anywhere they could legally continue to deny them their legal rights. “Maybe we should re-open Alcatraz and put them there?” joked House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), probably because the island prison is located in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s district. But instead of dismissing these gripes, perhaps it would behoove President Obama to actually consider what his opponents are saying? Take Alcatraz. While it’s now a National Park, it was once the nation’s most secure prison, so it’s not like we haven’t put scary people there before. Nobody has every successfully escaped from Alcatraz, either, except Clint Eastwood and Sean Connery, but they only did it in the movies. And even if one of these dangerous fundamentalist Islamic terrorists did escape, they’d wind up in San Francisco, which – with its ultra-liberal ways, vibrant gay and lesbian community and tolerance for pretty much anything – is probably the one place in the world they’d be so horrified to see they’d just drop dead from shock. As for the fantasyland comment, parents everywhere can attest that the real Fantasyland, located in Disney’s Magic Kingdom, would make a good place for detainees, too, because not only is it nearly impossible to escape from, no matter how hard you try or what methods you resort to – i.e. bribes, threats, various forms of verbal abuse etc. – it has the added benefits of having its own security force, so it’s not subject to local laws, being conveniently located just a few hours from the Everglades, where uncooperative tourists terrorists can be “accidentally” dropped off to be eaten by crocodiles, and in light of harsher forms of interrogation being outlawed, it comes complete with the simple yet effective way of coercing confessions from prisoners: making them ride “It’s a Small World” over and over again. Plus, in terms of cost, as outrageous as many feel ticket prices are, they’re still nothing compared to what the government is already spending on detainees right now. On the other hand, since Disney might object to one of it’s theme parks being used to house terrorists, perhaps a better alternative would be the DMV. While not quite as secure as a place with walls or fences, it’s still pretty much impossible to ever get out of, at least not with your sanity in tact, and given the on-going legal questions concerning equal protection, it’s worth noting that everybody who winds up at the DMV – detainee or American citizen – has their most most basic human rights violated repeatedly, effortlessly and without consequence. And anyone worried that detainees might be treated too kindly at such a place need only imagine them standing in line for 18 hours or more while waiting for the next window to become available, being forcibly restrained as two 400 lb. women sit down on either side of them in the waiting area, or being subjected to water-boarding’s distant cousin: the written and driving portions of the Driver’s License exam. Then again, as Abu Ghraib was closed for similar abuses, perhaps the best solution would be to simply house the detainees with members of Congress who are too busy sniping and complaining to offer realistic alternatives, because nothing would motivate them to find a bipartisan solution more than having to share a bathroom with the jihadist in the guest room. Not for the way he’s handled the nation’s business (both sides of the aisle seem to give him good marks so far) but because he let his daughters have a sleepover on a school night. A SCHOOL NIGHT! If one of his goals is to lead by example, what kind of example does this set for the rest of America’s parents? Kid: Can I have a sleepover tonight? As if that wasn’t bad enough, he had the audacity to arrange for screenings of both “High School Musical 3” and “Bolt,” which won’t be out on home video for months (except in China), followed by a private concert by Jonas Brothers. There’s no question the First Daughters deserve something special for what they have gone through over the last 18 months, but it’s important to be conservative (just this once, anyway) because there are a lot of parents in American who will do anything for their kids – even vote Republican in 2012 if that’s the only way they can avoid being shown up. While administering the Oath of Office today to Barack Obama, Chief Justice John Roberts departed from the original text and said “…execute the Office of The President of The United State faithfully…” instead of “…faithfully execute the Office of The President…” As the Oath is part of The Constitution, legal scholars immediately weighed in. Strict Constructionists defended Roberts by pointing out that this was nothing more than a minor change and that when his intent and other contributing factors were taken into account it was clearly no big deal. Liberals disagreed, naturally, and quickly condemned Roberts for such a blatant act of judicial activism. While pretty much everyone else just assumed Roberts messed up because it was cold.
Kid #1: Got your Halloween costume yet? As a parent, you know what’s best. That’s why you’re raising your kids to be God-fearing conservatives or free-thinking liberals, just like you. Or so you thought until you came home one night to find an Obamarama going on in your living room, or caught one of your kids watching Fox News wearing a Glenn Beck Fan Club t-shirt. Fortunately, there are ways to deal with this unsettling situation:
When it comes to solving the nation’s problems, why does it seem like solutions aren’t nearly as important as blame? Sure, blame makes for spirited debates on the Sunday morning talk shows and gives politicians material for their fundraising letters, but mostly it just helps us quickly pick sides in the ideological fight for the country’s future — which may explain why no matter how how unique, unexpected, unusual or complicated the problem, the root cause always comes from the same list. For Republicans:
For Democrats:
|
|||
|
Copyright © 2010 over-caffeinated|dad - All Rights Reserved |
||||