- Don’t make yourself at home.
- If you stay longer than invited, you will not be asked to come back.
- Ever.
- There is no maid.
- Seriously — NO MAID, which means whichever host you are related to, or knew first, will end up cleaning up after you (though probably not until after a long, ugly argument).
- If you bring a pet, make sure your pet is housebroken.
- On second thought, no pets.
- When we say “if you need anything, just ask,” we don’t expect you to take us up on it.
- But if you really do need something, we’d prefer if you would let us find it for you rather than snooping looking for it in our drawers, closets, cabinets, etc. yourself.
- Pottery Barn rules apply: you break it, you buy it.
- This rule applies to kids, too.
- If you forget your toothbrush, razor, underwear or prescription anti-depressants, please don’t borrow ours.
- Just because you walk around naked at home doesn’t mean you should do that here, if for no other reason than seeing you naked will forever change our impression of you, and probably not for the better.
- Please refrain from discussing politics, religion or anything else unless you are certain your views are in line with ours, or that we like to argue.
- You know that ugly piece of art we have on the wall in the living room? We don’t think it’s ugly.
- On a related note, you know the voice you use when you don’t want anyone to hear you? We can still hear you.
- Please keep in mind that we invited you, not members of your extended family.
- Flush.
- And knock.
- If you don’t think you can abide by these rules, stay home.
- Unless you are family.
- And then only come during the holidays, when we are more likely to be forgiving.
- And which only come once a year.
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Click image for amazon.com link |
Gathering around the table. √ Spending some quality time together. √ Taking a break from DVDs, movies, video games and other passive forms of entertainment. √ Reliving fond memories of playing Monopoly as a kid. √ Trying to figure out which version of Monopoly to play. √ Watching the kids fight over who gets to be the racecar. √ Watching the kids fight over who gets to roll first. √ Watching the kids fight over who who the bowl of popcorn gets to be set down in front of. √ Threatening to send everyone to bed if they don’t behave. √ Enjoying five minutes of stress-free game play. √ Trying to explain to a younger sibling why they have to give their older sibling money just because they landed on Marvin Gardens. √ Wiping away the younger sibling’s tears. √ Using the parent voice to tell the older sibling not to be a sore winner. √ Getting competitive. √ Mentally adding up the cost of therapy if you decide to just completely bankrupt your kids. √ Reminding yourself the point is to have fun. √ Letting your kids win. √ Hoping Family Game Night will be better next week. √ Fearing that it won’t. √ Wondering if Family Movie Night would be a better idea instead. √  Loading ...With a single Thanksgiving meal packing a full day-and-half’s worth of calories, it’s easy to see why so many of us find ourselves slumped on the sofa in front of the TV after everyone has gone home, groaning, bloated, unable to move and wondering why we feel so bad. Fortunately, there is a simple way to prevent this kind of excess on Thanksgiving: go vegan. While many can’t imagine Thanksgiving without turkey, gravy and sausage-based stuffing, that’s the whole point: if you fill your table with stuff you don’t like and normally wouldn’t ever eat, you can’t possibly eat too much. True, nut roll, tempeh and all-the-vegetables-you-can-eat might not sound very appealing to some, but keep in mind that you can still booze it up. (And while that, too, may leave you slumped on the sofa in front of the TV after everyone has gone home, you won’t be groaning, bloated, unable to move and wondering why you feel so bad, you’ll just be passed out). Gobble. Gobble. Gobble. Editor’s note: What if you’re already vegan? Do just the opposite: go un-vegan. Not only will the shock of all that animal flesh make you instantly sick — and therefore unable to overeat — throwing up at the table will also help your friends and family because the sight, sound and smell of your vomit will likely cause them to vomit, too, and then nobody will be able to eat, let alone overeat. |
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