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SCENES FROM MARRIAGE, NO. 2

Husband: “Ready?”
Wife: “I was waiting for you.”
Husband: “Oh… I was waiting for you.”
Wife: “Well… I’m ready.”
Husband: Great. Shall we go?”
Wife: Sure – just give me five minutes.”

Editor’s note: when husbands were asked if they thought this joke was mildly-to-moderately amusing, 84% said “yes;” when wives were asked the same question, 91% said “What joke? You think it’s easy getting ready? We can’t just hop in the shower and be done. We have to do our hair, put on our make-up, and then clean up the bathroom before we leave because our husbands NEVER do. Seriously, do they want the babysitter to think we’re slobs? And how hard is it to hang up a towel and wipe down the sink, anyway? If you want to talk about getting ready to go out, men are the real joke, and we don’t think it’s funny.”

SCENES FROM MARRIAGE, NO. 1

WIFE: My mom says she’ll watch the kids.
HUSBAND: When?
WIFE: Tonight if we want.
HUSBAND: You wanna try and go out?
WIFE: Sure. Any movies playing?
HUSBAND: There’s that new action blockbuster.
WIFE: Ha. Ha. Ha. And nothing subtitled, either. I’m too tired to read.
HUSBAND: What about dinner?
WIFE: I’m still doing that cleanse diet. We could get a drink?
HUSBAND: If I get a drink I’ll fall asleep.
WIFE: Me too.
HUSBAND: Coffee?
WIFE: Then I won’t sleep when we get home.
HUSBAND: I gotta get up early and take the kids to baseball, anyway. You wanna just skip it?
WIFE: It’s up to you.
HUSBAND: I’m okay with staying in if you are.
WIFE: That’s fine.
HUSBAND: But let’s definitely try to go out next weekend.
WIFE: Definitely. I’ll just call my mom and tell her “Thanks but no thanks.”
HUSBAND: I’ll check to see if there’s anything on pay-per-view.
WIFE: If I fall asleep on the couch, make sure you wake me up before you go to bed.

And still we complain we never get the chance to go out.