Lindsay Lohan

Since the public is more interested in celebrity than the law (except where the two collide), why not add a little star-power to the Supreme Court?

Rumors of whether she’s dating Ruth Bader Ginsburg or not would keep the tabloids buzzing for months, and after that there’d certainly be a steady stream of scandal and indiscretion.

The winner of the next American Idol

Every court case is really just a glorified popularity contest anyway, so at least this would bring in somebody with national experience.

David Letterman

A lot of people say legal opinions are a joke, but at least this way they’d be funny.

A XXX Porn Star

This way when people say they were screwed by the court, at least it would have been done by a professional.

Simon Cowell

Given the way he shreds everybody who appears before him, it would certainly make C-Span coverage of Supreme Court arguments fun to watch. (Though it might make Judge Scalia jealous, since he’s the one who does this kind of thing right now.)

Jeb Bush

After what George W. did to the family name, the only shot he has at any kind of position of power in the U.S. is one he’s appointed to.

Dan Brown, James Paterson, John Grisham etc.

Supreme Court opinions are usually so boring, nobody reads them. At least with one of these guys they’d be popular page-turners where you wouldn’t find out whether they dissent, concur or side with the majority until the very last sentence. Plus, all those convoluted twists and turns of logic that sometimes seem to come out of nowhere would just be seen as good ways of advancing the plot.

Bill Clinton

People wonder what Supreme Court Justices wear under their robes, but with him on the bench everybody would know: nothing.

Nancy Reagan’s old Astrologer

Because maybe it’s time legal opinions were based on something besides an interpretation of the law?

A random citizen

If being randomly selected is good enough for being on a jury, why not use the same criteria for being on the bench, too? While it’s true that most people don’t know the first thing about the law, that just gives lawyers an advantage.

Besides, wouldn’t it be refreshing to hear a Supreme Court Justice say “it may be legal, but it’s stupid. So I say ‘Strike it down!’”

The “Octomom”

While you could question her judgment in having so many babies, with that many kids in her care, she’ll have to master the art of making Solomon-like decisions, which is exactly the kind of thing a good Supreme Court Judge should do.

Bozo, The Clown

For the obvious reason that confirmation hearings have become nothing more than a 3-ring circus.

Oprah

For millions of Americans, her word is already law, so why not just go ahead and put some Constitutional authority behind it?

In light of Texas Governor Rick Perry’s recent flirtation with independence, other states might do well to consider seceding, too:

Illinois

Secedes for 48 hours – long enough to declare all forms of political corruption, both past and present, legal, then rejoins United States.

Louisiana

Declares independence, then lobbies U.S. government for humanitarian aid to finish repairs from hurricane Katrina.

Mississippi, Arkansas

Follow Louisiana’s lead in the hope of getting aid, but are shocked to discover that with nothing of significance except The William J. Clinton Presidential Library, the U.S. government just isn’t interested in giving them any money. Stiffed, they form a new country called “Miss An”, and — after U.S. stops providing operating funds for the Clinton Library — they turn it into a whorehouse, which everybody thinks if kind of appropriate.

For the U.S., not having to include Mississippi in secondary school math, science and reading proficiency test results instantly bumps it from 39th in the world to 14th, which the Obama administration uses as proof its education policies are working.

North Dakota & South Dakota

Both declare independence, but tensions mount when they each demand to be called simply “Dakota.” War breaks out, and for a while it looks like South Dakota will win until newly-independent Montana – which seceded when the federal government balked at its plans to abolish speed limits on all of its roads – comes in on the side of the former North Dakota.

Florida

Leaves union, reveals itself to be populated almost entirely by aliens.

Michigan’s Upper Peninsula

Leaves U.S. for Canada, doesn’t see any real difference except in switching from dollars to loonies.

Utah

HBO mounts stealth grassroots campaign for Utah independence in an attempt to boost ratings for “Big Love,” but ultimately pulls out when it realizes it doesn’t have any money left to spend after subscriptions wither away because it doesn’t have any hits anymore.

Nevada

Declares independence, legalizes everything, but is then mysteriously swallowed up by a giant sandstorm that many claim came to be the handiwork of God, but is really just an unexpected consequence of Lake Mead going completely dry.

Puerto Rico

Given the exodus of states, Puerto Rico finally makes a serious bid for statehood but is rejected.

California

Initially splits into North California and South California, with capitols in San Jose and Burbank, respectively. Following the passage of Proposition 2BU, San Francisco is allowed to declare itself a sovereign nation akin to Vatican City (or, perhaps, the anti-Vatican City), but this liberal utopia quickly goes to shit when President Newsom gives into City Council pressure and abolishes the rule of law entirely. Within days, it becomes clear that nobody is inherently fair and good, as many in the area had come to believe, and are instead selfish and cruel, as Conservatives had long suggested. It isn’t until Nancy Pelosi kisses Dick Cheney’s fat, white ass that he agrees to provide her with a Haliburton private contractor army she can use to restore order.

Texas

After holding a press conference to say he hadn’t advocated secession, Gov. Rick Perry holds another press conference to say that he misspoke at the earlier press conference and that he did, in fact, suggest that Texas secede — until he realizes that if Texas secedes it would have to deal with illegal immigration and border violence without the benefit of federal funds, and then reverses himself on reversing himself on reversing himself until nobody knows what the Hell he means and elects somebody else Governor.

Washington D.C.

Finally allowed to become a state, but elects Marion Berry Governor and then has statehood revoked for lack of jugement.

Shortly after announcing plans to shut down Gitmo at some point in the not-too-distant future, President Obama was attacked by Republicans for living in fantasyland if he thinks this can happen, if for no other reason than there’s nowhere else the government can house detainees – at least not anywhere they could legally continue to deny them their legal rights.

“Maybe we should re-open Alcatraz and put them there?” joked House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), probably because the island prison is located in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s district.

But instead of dismissing these gripes, perhaps it would behoove President Obama to actually consider what his opponents are saying?

Take Alcatraz. While it’s now a National Park, it was once the nation’s most secure prison, so it’s not like we haven’t put scary people there before. Nobody has every successfully escaped from Alcatraz, either, except Clint Eastwood and Sean Connery, but they only did it in the movies. And even if one of these dangerous fundamentalist Islamic terrorists did escape, they’d wind up in San Francisco, which – with its ultra-liberal ways, vibrant gay and lesbian community and tolerance for pretty much anything – is probably the one place in the world they’d be so horrified to see they’d just drop dead from shock.

As for the fantasyland comment, parents everywhere can attest that the real Fantasyland, located in Disney’s Magic Kingdom, would make a good place for detainees, too, because not only is it nearly impossible to escape from, no matter how hard you try or what methods you resort to – i.e. bribes, threats, various forms of verbal abuse etc. – it has the added benefits of having its own security force, so it’s not subject to local laws, being conveniently located just a few hours from the Everglades, where uncooperative tourists terrorists can be “accidentally” dropped off to be eaten by crocodiles, and in light of harsher forms of interrogation being outlawed, it comes complete with the simple yet effective way of coercing confessions from prisoners: making them ride “It’s a Small World” over and over again.

Plus, in terms of cost, as outrageous as many feel ticket prices are, they’re still nothing compared to what the government is already spending on detainees right now.

On the other hand, since Disney might object to one of it’s theme parks being used to house terrorists, perhaps a better alternative would be the DMV. While not quite as secure as a place with walls or fences, it’s still pretty much impossible to ever get out of, at least not with your sanity in tact, and given the on-going legal questions concerning equal protection, it’s worth noting that everybody who winds up at the DMV – detainee or American citizen – has their most most basic human rights violated repeatedly, effortlessly and without consequence.

And anyone worried that detainees might be treated too kindly at such a place need only imagine them standing in line for 18 hours or more while waiting for the next window to become available, being forcibly restrained as two 400 lb. women sit down on either side of them in the waiting area, or being subjected to water-boarding’s distant cousin: the written and driving portions of the Driver’s License exam.

Then again, as Abu Ghraib was closed for similar abuses, perhaps the best solution would be to simply house the detainees with members of Congress who are too busy sniping and complaining to offer realistic alternatives, because nothing would motivate them to find a bipartisan solution more than having to share a bathroom with the jihadist in the guest room.

While administering the Oath of Office today to Barack Obama, Chief Justice John Roberts departed from the original text and said “…execute the Office of The President of The United State faithfully…” instead of “…faithfully execute the Office of The President…” As the Oath is part of The Constitution, legal scholars immediately weighed in. Strict Constructionists defended Roberts by pointing out that this was nothing more than a minor change and that when his intent and other contributing factors were taken into account it was clearly no big deal. Liberals disagreed, naturally, and quickly condemned Roberts for such a blatant act of judicial activism. While pretty much everyone else just assumed Roberts messed up because it was cold.

When it comes to solving the nation’s problems, why does it seem like solutions aren’t nearly as important as blame?

Sure, blame makes for spirited debates on the Sunday morning talk shows and gives politicians material for their fundraising letters, but mostly it just helps us quickly pick sides in the ideological fight for the country’s future — which may explain why no matter how how unique, unexpected, unusual or complicated the problem, the root cause always comes from the same list.

For Republicans:

• taxes
• big government
• unnecessary government regulation
• welfare
• flawed values
• the liberal media elite
• unions
• trial lawyers
• Bill Clinton
• Nancy Pelosi
• The pro-choice movement
• the “gay agenda”
• Hollywood
• liberals

For Democrats:

• big business
• greed
• de-regulation
• lobbyists
• corporate welfare
• George W. Bush
• Ronald Reagan
• Rush Limbaugh
• Sarah Palin
• attempts to overturn Roe v. Wade
• Fox News
• special interests
• evangelical christians/right-wing zealots
• conservatives