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Everybody makes fun of Driver’s License photographs, but how good could anyone look after spending three hours and 19 minutes at a place like the DMV?
The walls are painted a government-approved shade of beige that seems to have been chosen for its ability to induce nausea. God only knows what kind of deadly germs and pathogens are breeding freely on the furniture (which looks like it was bought on the cheap at a Nixon Administration yard sale and then left in a basement storage room for three decades). And if you think tinnitus is irritating, it’s a lullaby compared to the hum given off by row after row of cheap fluorescent lights.
Still, that would all be tolerable if you could just take a number and wait by yourself.
But you can’t.
If you’ve ever wondered what the people on “Cops” do when they’re not getting arrested, or what somebody who considers personal hygiene to be optional looks like, all you have to do is turn to either side of you and say “hello.”
Clearly, somebody has been peeing in the gene pool.
How else can you explain the toothless, tattooed biker chick/meth addict taking the motorcycle test who doesn’t see the problem with asking the proctor if he can give her a hint? Or the old lady renewing her license who insists she doesn’t need a vision test, but then can’t even find the line she’s supposed to stand behind to take it? Or the guy at the center of a booze-cloud you can smell from 20 feet away who gets upset because they won’t let him re-take his driver’s test right now?
As bad as it is to be near people like this, however, it’s a whole lot worse when you realize you’re no different than people like this – because when you get up to the window and the clerk says you need two additional pieces of ID, not one like you thought, you protest…
And say nobody told you…
And say you’ve been waiting all morning already…
And say that they should make an exception…
And say the rules are stupid…
And say they are stupid for enforcing them…
And say just about every idiotic thing you can think of, until you finally realize you are saying every idiotic thing you can think of.
At which point you go home, get another ID, and wait in line all over again.
And then they take your picture.
Click.
Oprah and Sarah Palin sitting down together? Isn’t that like matter sitting down with anti-matter?
And isn’t that supposed to make the universe explode?
Since we’re all still here, it must have gone reasonably well. Which raises the question: what will they do next?
First, of course, Oprah will have to call The White House to explain why she gave millions of dollars in free publicity to President Obama’s 2012 opponent, and Sarah will have to call Rush Limbaugh (or Glenn Beck) to explain why she gave a guaranteed ratings bump to a liberal.
But after that?
While they could just go their separate ways, both are shrewd enough to realize that between the two of them they appeal to 94% of the U.S. population, and would therefore be unbeatable at the polls.
True, they do have philosophical differences, but they also have Dr. Phil to help them work those out.
(And if he couldn’t help, they could sit down with Hillary for a little advice on how to get along with somebody you don’t always agree with.)
Absurd? Sure, but what aspect of politics isn’t? And think of all the advantages they’d have:
- Both are comfortable on camera.
- Both speak their mind.
- Both are wealthy enough to self-finance their campaign.
- Oprah knows where Africa is.
There is one sticking point: who’d be the candidate and who’d be the running mate?
Which brings up the following poll:
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- Even if you are the first person in line, first thing in the morning, you will end up waiting an hour and a half.
- Anything that can be screwed up will be screwed up.
- Just because you are half-blind, senile, psychotic or drunk doesn’t mean you can’t renew your license — though if you’re half-blind you’ll have to take the vision test.
- The fact that you’re supposed to take a number when you walk in only confuses the people in front of you who never learned to count.
- Instructions are in Albanian, Arabic, Bosnian, Cambodian, Chinese, English, Farsi, French, German, Greek, Hebrew, Italian, Korean, Lithuanian, Polish, Portuguese, Russian, Somalian, Spanish, Turkish, Thai and Vietnamese, but stupidity seems to be the same in any language.
- If your car gets stolen, it is likely the person who stole it is waiting in line in front of you.
- Saying you “work at the DMV” is kind of misleading – a more accurate description would be to say you “do as little work as you possibly can so you don’t get fired from the DMV.”
- No matter how fat you are, there will be a woman ahead of you who weighs at least 100 pounds more than you do. (This may be the one positive thing about the DMV.)
- One couple waiting in line will get into a huge, screaming argument.
- One couple waiting in line will dry hump each other until a DMV employee asks them to stop.
- Somebody will video this couple and post it on Youtube.
- If you think a set of instructions are so simple even a moron could follow them, the moron in line in front of you will prove you wrong, and require up to 25 minutes of redundant, repetitive picture-based explanation before he or she realizes you can’t just take the driver’s test and get a license, you must actually pass it first.
- If you accidentally marked “A” even though you know the answer is “None of the above,” you still have to re-take the test.
- If the fee is $25 and you only have $23, you are $2 short no matter how many times you say “Please” or “Couldn’t you just cut me a little slack?”
- Even if there are 50 open seats, somebody will sit down right next to you.
- The person who sits down next to you will make you consider leaving and coming back tomorrow, even if you have already waited two hours and are next in line.
If it’s the cleaning lady’s job to clean the house, why do we always pick up before she comes?
(Usually just before she comes, too, with one of the kids stalling her in the foyer as we scramble to de-clutter the upstairs.)
It would be one thing if we were motivated by conscience, believing it unfair to have her clean everything, but this doesn’t seem to be the case. Are we worried she’ll realize we’re really just a family of slobs?
She can probably tell that already, thanks to dishes that occasionally end up under the bed and the collection of crumbs, coins and God-knows-what-it-is she regularly unearths from beneath the sofa cushions.
Do we think she’ll tell the H.O.A. how much more disgusting our house is than, say, the neighbor’s down the street?
(It is, but only because they have no kids.)
Or do we just not want anyone — even the cleaning lady — to find out how much of our lifestyle is an illusion, and that the only parts we have the energy to maintain week in, week out, are the ones that other people see?
(And if this is the case, is it a valid reason to switch to a cleaning service that relies on a small, anonymous army that moves too quickly for any one that’s a part of it to form any kind of impression of what a stye the house usually is?)
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CUSTOMER: Hi, I have a complaint.
CUSTOMER SERVICE DEPARTMENT: I’m sorry to hear that.
CUSTOMER: Really?
CUSTOMER SERVICE DEPARTMENT: No, we’re just trained to say that. Our real goal is to do the very least we can, in the least amount of time, and make sure you don’t throw a fit.
CUSTOMER: But aren’t I a valued customer?
CUSTOMER SERVICE DEPARTMENT: “Yes” in the sense that without our customers we’d go out of business, but “No” in the sense that we don’t care about you personally.
CUSTOMER: But I spend over a thousand dollars a month here!
CUSTOMER SERVICE DEPARTMENT: That might sound like a lot, but our margins are so tight, the profit on that thousand dollars probably won’t even cover what the company has to pay me to talk to you right now.
CUSTOMER: So the company is losing money on this conversation?
CUSTOMER SERVICE DEPARTMENT: Yes.
CUSTOMER: Good.
CUSTOMER SERVICE DEPARTMENT: Not really, because we then have to make cuts in other departments to make up for it.
CUSTOMER: Are you suggesting that the more I complain, the more other departments suffer, which means the more likely there are to be things to complain about?
CUSTOMER SERVICE DEPARTMENT: Yes. I’m saying this is actually all your fault.
CUSTOMER: My fault?!?!?!
CUSTOMER SERVICE DEPARTMENT: Truth hurts, don’t it?
CUSTOMER: But all I did was buy a chicken from you – a chicken that was rotten.
CUSTOMER SERVICE DEPARTMENT: That’s right, you bought it. And now you’re complaining about it. Which means instead of having somebody in the poultry department making sure the chickens aren’t green and spoiled, we have to have somebody standing here belittling your complaints.
CUSTOMER: But that doesn’t make any sense.
CUSTOMER SERVICE DEPARTMENT: We’re the Customer Service Department, we don’t have to make sense.
Since educators are always looking for ways to make lessons more relevant to students, how about using more realistic scenarios in story problems?
For example:
- Billy’s parent’s mortgage is $2200 per month. But since Billy’s Dad lost his job and Billy’s Mom had her hours cut, their monthly take-home pay is only $3200. After subtracting $1400 for food, $80 for cell phones, $440 for a car loan, $340 for cable, gas, electric, water and trash pick-up, and $700 in credit card interest payments, how much do they have left to pay their mortgage? And how long can they keep making this payment before the bank decides to just foreclose?
- If 10 people apply for 100 different jobs, what chance does any of them have of getting hired? And how many times do the other 90 have to be rejected before they just give up and stop looking?
- Alison’s Mom’s therapist wants her to start taking two anti-depressants. If anti-depressant X reduces anxiety and takes 3 weeks to start working and anti-depressant Y reduces depression and takes 1 week to start working, how long before Alison stops finding her mom sitting on the sofa in the dark at 2 am crying uncontrollably?
- Two men discover large masses growing out of the back of their spines. If one is 25 and the other is 85, which one will get the go-ahead from his insurance company for experimental treatment? Hint: keep in mind that most 25-year-olds don’t have health insurance, and while the 85-year-old gets Medicare, he lives in a swing state that’s been bombarded with so much health care propaganda he’s worried he’ll be euthanized by a Death Panel the second he steps foot in the hospital.
- Two men run for president. One wins handily by promising to change things. How long does the winner have to come through on that promise before his party gets crushed in the mid-terms and he follows in the footsteps of Jimmy Carter and George H. W. Bush and only lasts one term?
As if homework wasn’t depressing enough…
Now that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has announced her resignation, what will she do next?
Some possibilities, whether you love her or hate her:
- Publish a tell-all memoir finally admiting that all the rumors that surfaced about her during the campaign were true, and that even she thought John McCain was too old to be president (but was okay with it because it meant that when the stress of the job finally got to him she could take over)
- “Late Night with Sarah Palin” — David Letterman once gave Tom Snyder a show, so why not? Besides, Dave’s a professional comedian and what could be a bigger joke than to pass his show on to her?
- Join forces with John McCain for “Mavericks” motivational speaking tour before being sued by Mark Cuban for trademark infringement
- Pose nude for Playboy, but then defend her actions by saying that because naked bodies come from God there’s nothing sinful about showing them
- Become a personal shopper at Neiman Marcus
- Sign lucrative endorsement deal with Lenscrafters to promote line of glasses
- Sign lucrative endorsement deal with Mattel to promote line of Caribou Barbie Dolls
- Sign lucrative endorsement deal with Democratic Party to promote the Republican Party, because they finally realize the only way to destroy the GOP completely is from within
- Move back to Wasilla, become full-time hockey mom
- Take her ability to tireless promote lost causes and become new C.E.O. of G.M.
- …or Chrysler
- …or for that matter, the Republican Party
- Sign deal with the producers of “Jon and Kate plus 8” to create yet another cable TV show about a large, dysfunctional family
- Print 500,000 posters of herself holding a rifle and wearing a camouflage hunting outfit and then crisscross the country autographing it for $5 a shot at gun shows, NRA meetings and country fairs
- Open a day care
- Move back to Wasilla, run for mayor again but lose, fade into obscurity
- Become the 45th President of The United States
A is for “anxious,”
or why you’re awake.
‘cause B is for “boss”
with a decision to make.
C is for “cut-backs.”
Oh, when will they end?
Is D for “Depression,”
where no one can spend?
E is “economy,”
ours seems to be toast.
F is “You’re fired!”
the phrase you fear most.
G is for “Google,”
where you search for a job.
Joining H as in “horde,”
the great job-seeking mob.
I is not you,
but the “infinite” masses,
who flood all the “J-O-B” boards,
’til they’re slow like molasses.
401K was your net,
but it’s taken a hit,
meaning L is for “loss,”
— why you don’t have shit.
M is for “Me!?!?!?!
I’m supposed to be blessed!”
But N is for “No!”
You’re as screwed as the rest.
O is for “out of,”
what your luck seems to be.
And P? That’s “percent”
unemployed: 9.3.
Q is the “question:”
“What do we do now?”
“How do we “Recover”
from a financial KA-POW!
S is the “stimulus,”
which didn’t do squat,
T is the “Treasury,”
and the Main Street they forgot.
U is the “upside.”
But what could it be?
Making friends at unemployment?
Watching too much “TV?”
W‘s for the “worry”
that’s become all-consuming.
And X is “Rx’s”
The anti-depressant biz? Booming.
In the end there’s just Y,
your unspoken plea,
repeated each night,
in the absense of “Zzzz“
KID: How can you lose a house?
PARENT: What?
KID: How can you lose something as big as a house?
PARENT: No, you can’t really lose a house. When people say that they don’t mean “lose” like when you lose your shoes or a DVD case, they mean they’re going to have to give the house back to the bank.
KID: Why does the bank get it?
PARENT: Well… when people buy a house, they go to a bank and borrow the money they need to pay for it.
KID: Oh.
PARENT: So even though they live in the house, it’s technically “owned” by the bank until they pay the money back.
KID: Did we borrow money to pay for our house?
PARENT: Yes.
KID: So then it’s technically “owned” by the bank, too, until we pay them back?
PARENT: It is.
KID: Awesome. Do we have any orange paint?
PARENT: Why?
KID: ‘cause even though Mom won’t let me paint my room orange, I bet the bank would since that’s one of their colors.
For all of us who have become suspicious of anything imported from China and (perhaps) even went as far as to question how inferior, out-dated and inadequate their standards could be to have allowed consumers to be exposed to so many dangers comes the news that our very own peanut butter industry is no better.
On the other hand, at least if we’re eating crow we probably won’t get salmonella.
With companies closing divisions, merging, going into bankruptcy and getting bought, etc. the landscape of American business is changing. So what does the future hold?
Some possibilities:
- If Bank of America merged with American Standard, the new company could be called Bank of American Standard, where you could flush your savings goodbye
- Exxon Mobile could buy Larry Flynt Industries and become XXXon Mobile, and while that might seem odd at first, since oil company profits are every bit as obscene as pornography, why not?
- Goldman Sachs could buy Baer Sterns from JP Morgan Chase , merge it with Bank of New York to create the aptly named Sachs of B.S., which would explain why they went from needing billions in bailout money from the government to making billions in profit so quickly
- If MGM bought GM, the name would stay the same — MGM — but if you bought two DVDs you’d get a free minivan
- Since cars have pretty much become computers on wheels, BMW could buy IBM and become BMI, and hopefully it would give a pretty good indication of the health and fitness of the auto industry as a whole
- Chrysler could merge its namesake brand with Saturn and recently-funded Tesla to become ChryST. (though the chances it would come back from the dead if it ended up in bankruptcy would be zero)
- Looking to expand its research division, Apple could buy M.I.T. and become Apple Π
- Nokia, Palm and Go Phone could all merge to become Pa-Noki-Go, and then when they lied to you about how much your cellphone bill would be their nose would grow
- If T.G.I.Friday’s., Applebees, Outback Steakhouse and Claim Jumper merged, all the restaurants would keep their names but the parent company would single-handedly be responsible for 50% of America’s obesity epidemic (with the merger of KFC, Taco Bell, Burger King and McDonald’s taking care of the other 50%)
- To more accurately communicate their current lending practices, Japan’s Norinchukin Bank could merge with Credit Suisse First Boston to become NO Credit
- Or as a way of reflecting the (probably temporary) humility banks are feeling these days, JP Morgan Chase could buy up what’s left of all the other banks and then call themselves Chastened (though probably not for long)
- Given the fact that it probably has nothing better to do with its billions in cash reserves, Microsoft could buy Mr. Softee and become Mr. Microsoftee, where you would get a free cone with every copy of Windows
- If McDonald’s won the espresso wars and bought Starbucks, it’s hard to say if they would change the name of their McCafes to McStarbucks or not, but God help you if you ever used the drive-thru
- General Electric, America’s #1 company, could combine with the TaTa Group, India’s #1 company, to become General TaTa, and then also get a featured role in the next Bond movie as the ultimate global villain
- If Target merged with Kohl’s, J.C. Penny and Sears, it would still be called Target, but only because that’s how Wal-Mart would see it
- If the Federal Reserve Board, The Securities and Exchange Commission, the Federal Trade Commission and the FDIC merged, they would have some impossibly long name, but Republicans, Capitalists and everybody on Wall Street would just call the new government body the Big DIC.
- While it wouldn’t require a merger, Toys R Us should change its name to Toys R Uh… Let Me Ask Somebody Else to reflect its employees knowledge of the products they sell
- If Twitter, Facebook, MySpace and Linkedin all combined, it wouldn’t even matter what the company would be called because everybody under 35 would start using something else and everybody over 35 would realize they have better things to do than tweet.
- No gloating.
- If you must ridicule your neighbors for being stupid enough to get an adjustable rate mortgage, do so in private.
- And before you do ridicule your neighbors in private for being stupid enough to get an adjustable rate mortgage, check your own mortgage to make sure you didn’t do the exact same thing.
- Keep in mind that while neighbors should try to help each other out in times of trouble, this does not mean you should offer to buy their almost-new home theater set-up for 10 cents on the dollar. (Unless they are moving out of the area, in which case, go for it.)
- To get back any tools, toys or lawn furniture you’ve loaned them, take the indirect approach. Start by saying, “Oh, say, did we ever return that lawn aerator we borrowed? We should both probably check our garages, just to make sure nothing gets left behind.”
- Don’t drop off a tuna casserole. They are not infirmed.
- Do bring liquor.
- If you’re so inclined, pray (for them, not that the same thing won’t happen to you).
- If your kids ask you why the neighbors are losing their house, just say “They’re not losing their house – it’s right there where it’s always been.” And then tell them to get ready for bed before they ask a lot of questions that even the world’s foremost economists couldn’t fully explain.
- If anyone from outside the neighborhood asks what happened, lie and tell them the neighbors are trading up, relocating for business, downsizing and moving to a small town in Ohio, getting divorced, etc. – anything but the fact they’re being foreclosed on, as that information could have a negative effect on property values.
- Always remember that it could just as easily have been you.
- And still might be.
As a parent, you know what’s best. That’s why you’re raising your kids to be God-fearing conservatives or free-thinking liberals, just like you.
Or so you thought until you came home one night to find an Obamarama going on in your living room, or caught one of your kids watching Fox News wearing a Glenn Beck Fan Club t-shirt.
Fortunately, there are ways to deal with this unsettling situation:
- Ground them until after the 2012 election.
- Force them to live their politics. This means that if your Little Limbaugh objects to your anything-goes liberal ideology, remind him that conservatives are against welfare of any kind (except corporate), so he needs to either pay his own way or go live in a homeless shelter with all the other free-loaders. Or, if your Lil’ Nancy Pelosi condemns your unwavering support for God, guns and unborn babies, remind her that come Judgment Day, she’ll be the one burning in Hell.
- Move somewhere so far to the Left or to the Right that your kids won’t have anyone to join them when they pass out fliers condemning Barack Obama or stage a sit-in against the evil influence of Big Oil. For liberals, this means moving to Berkeley; for conservatives, try Oklahoma City, OK or Cincinnati, OH (or if you’re a Mormon, try Provo, Utah, which is regularly ranked the most conservative city in America).
- Have them deprogrammed by either sending them to an Evangelical Christian Boot Camp or making them watch Oprah all day, every day until they come around.
- If you’re a conservative, blame Bill Clinton.
- If you’re a liberal, blame Ronald Reagan.
- If you’re either, blame George W. Bush (as the least-liked president in modern history, he’s become the official scapegoat for everything).
- If all else fails, break out the big guns of parenting – guilt and shame – and let your kids have it until their fragile egos are so crushed and broken the Stockholm Syndrome kicks in and they begin to love and embrace you and your ways once again.
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According to expert John De Graff, medieval peasants got more days off from work than we do. Depressing, certainly, and perhaps a sign that our collective priorities need to be reexamined, but it’s important to keep in mind that medieval peasants also had a life expectancy of 30, which means they didn’t really get to enjoy too many of those days off before they died a slow, painful death from starvation, the Black Death, drinking the local water or making the mistake of getting a blood-letting from the local M.D.
Plus, they could be tortured or killed if they displeased the boss.
- Go to your local organic supermarket.
- Fill as much of your shopping list as you can (and hope your kids just won’t notice that organic hot dogs, organic fish sticks, organic “Froot Loops” and organic Kraft Mac ‘n’ Cheese taste nothing like their non-organic counterparts).
- Go to the check-stand and apologize for not bringing your own bags.
- GASP! when you see how much money you just spent.
- Realize that organic groceries cost between 28 to 64 percent more than non-organic groceries.
- Feel conflicted.
- Ultimately decide you’re doing the right thing going organic.
- Repeat this process each week until you’ve spent so much money on groceries you can’t afford to pay your other bills.
- Get kicked out of your house.
- Instead of getting depressed, congratulate yourself because according to recent research, you’ll generate 57.5% fewer greenhouse gases being homeless.
- Multiply this across the entire country.
- Listen carefully for the sound of Al Gore giving his last “An Inconvenient Truth” lecture.
It’s been estimated that the hourly cost to parents for raising a child from birth through age 18 is $1.58. Whether this is shocking or pleasantly surprising depends on individual circumstances, but it certainly is useful, allowing parents to calculate – down to the penny – how many hours their kids will need to work around the house or in some illegal, downtown sweatshop to pay for themselves.*
For comparison, other hourly costs:
-$125
therapy
-$2.86
-$14.21
camp
-$12.00
babysitter (licensed, adult)
-$6.00
babysitter (irresponsible teenager)
-$0.00
babysitter (grandparent)
-$5.35
going to see a movie (excluding trailers, waiting in line, $300 for popcorn and two drinks)
-$38.51
going to see a Bon Jovi concert
-$200 – $600
criminal defense attorney specializing in juvenile offenses
-$0.37
-$7,400,000
-$2100
-$9.50
-$14.85
*When calculating, please keep in mind that in most states parents can legally take any money their kids earn until age 18, which is especially good news for parents who pimp their kids out to Hollywood , because if they wind up with the next Hannah Montana they could enjoy a substantial return on their $1.58 per hour “investment.”
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