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Loading ... PARENT: Did you decide what you want to be yet? For a holiday that doesn’t include presents or days off from school, why is Halloween so popular? And is it better than it used to be, or worse? If you were a kid at any time during the ‘70s, the contrast between Halloween now and Halloween then is pretty clear. (Besides the fact that now you’re the parent.) For starters, you didn’t buy a costume back then, you made one. You thought of something cool, that nobody else would come up with, and then you spent the two or three weeks leading up to October 31st badgering your mother to help you make it. “Pretty please?” Sometimes your creation went over well, sometimes it didn’t: KID #1: What are you? Now everybody just goes to Target or one of those pop-up Halloween stores and picks out one of the pre-packaged outfits from Star Wars, Hannah Montana, Harry Potter, X-Men, G.I. Joe, Transformers, iCarly or Micky Mouse Clubhouse, or for those who want something less commercial, a costume from the unbranded collection: KID #1: Who are you? Not that homogenization is all bad: at least nobody gets their feelings hurt because their costume sucks. And for grown-ups who can’t tell Boba Fett from Voldemort, it’s convenient that asking “And what are you supposed to be?” once means you’ll be able to correctly identify 80% of whoever comes up to your door the rest of the night. There were plenty of other differences as well:
Maybe it’s just that everything seemed to move at a slower pace back then, with fewer complications and less to worry about — the biggest fear a parent faced was an apple with a razorblade inside, not an Amber Alert. (Or an H1N1 outbreak after a crowded Halloween party.) Contrast that with today, where there seem to be so many risks and potential red flags, it’s amazing we even let our kids participate in a tradition where they walk around in the dark collecting candy we haven’t screened from neighbors we haven’t met. Then again, if the whole point of Halloween is to be scared, now definitely beats then, and probably will until our kids are grown. (Which is exactly what our parents said in the ’70s.)
Halloween is supposed to be the one night of the year you can let your kids eat too much candy without feeling guilty about it, which makes an in-depth article like this one on CNN.com not only depressing, but irresponsible, mean-spirited and wholly inappropriate. Boo-hiss, CNN. Next time have the courtesy to run this after Halloween is over.
CUSTOMER: Hi, I have a complaint. According to The New York Times, shouting is the new spanking. But what ever happened to the old spanking? And how could anything be as effective as a cold, hard slap across the butt? Still… if psychologists are to be believed, the problem with spanking is that it teaches kids that hitting is an acceptable way to solve a problem. (Among other things.) On the other hand, at least it teaches ‘em something – ‘cause as any non-spanking parent knows, you can only yell so much before your kids just tune you out. And then what? Waterboarding? Poll: Loading ...Which means:
Loading ...Lots of couples spend hundreds, even thousands of dollars on counseling when what they really need to do to improve their marriage is argue. Not in person, but by text. Arguing by text has a number of benefits. For example, in face-to-face arguments, tensions usually escalate because each person reacts (and over-reacts) to what the other is saying. But since SMS shorthand is so obscure and confusing — URAPITA? UG2BK? SHID? — how can you be outraged by something you can’t understand? The 140-character limit helps, too, because it means you have to reduce your anger/frustration to its root cause before you can text it. Since most arguments end when the roots are exposed, however, starting this way means there isn’t really anywhere for the argument to go — You say you’re upset because you don’t feel like you’re in control of the relationship. Your spouse agrees you’re not. End of story. As for those argument that proceed anyway, it’s important to remember that at some point, “principle,” ” being “right” and even just the need “to be shown a little respect” can’t overcome tired thumbs. Which isn’t to say texting is flawless. But keep in mind that if you scream something cruel and inappropriate at your spouse in the heat of the moment, you can’t ever take it back. But if you text it, you can say it was just a typo: HUSBAND: No, I wouldn’t ever call you that. What I meant was you’re being a stitch, because I thought your whole argument was a joke. TAFN. “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” Sure, it’s fun and the songs are catchy, but the bad guy’s main henchman tricks kids into thinking they’re getting free candy, then locks them in a jail wagon and takes them away. You could argue this provides a much-needed opportunity to talk to kids about the scary realities of the world we live in (and the people who live in it with us), but not at 3 am when your kid’s crying hysterically because the “candy jailer” is hiding in the closet. “Old Yeller” Not only does beloved dog Old Yeller get rabies and die in the end, the kid has to kill him. Talk about issues. “The Cowboys” John Wayne needs help. John Wayne can’t find cowboys. John Wayne gets kids instead of cowboys. John Wayne teaches kids to be cowboys (and by extension, men). John Wayne dies. YES, DIES. (Brutally, too, in a totally unheroic way.) How can John Wayne die? If John Wayne can die, anyone can die? To a generation raised on The Duke, this was more traumatic than walking in on your parents having sex. The only thing that made John Wayne’s death okay was the fact that the kids avenged him by killing the outlaw who killed him. But unfortunately for today’s kids, John Wayne isn’t an icon, he’s just an old guy from old movies they don’t show on Nick, so the scene where the kids take turns putting bullets into his killer is kind of extreme. “West Side Story” Gangs, turf wars, racial tension (the Sharks are Puerto Rican), a girl who’s almost raped… all set to music. When you watch this with your kids, explaining why the hero dies in the end will be the least of your concerns. “Brian’s Song” Even though we now know that it’s okay for kids to see their fathers cry, it can be confusing for kids if they also see their mom standing in the doorway rolling her eyes at the sight of dad crying over something as dated and melodramatic as this. “Heidi” In the Shirley Temple version of the classic book, a mountain girl with an unbreakable spirit gets shuffled between various sets of cranky grown-ups, eventually winning them over but nearly dying in the process. It’s kind of like the ultimate DCFS nightmare, only everybody ends up happy and not in jail or Family Court. “The Wizard of Oz” Flying monkeys were creepy then, they’re creepy now. “Journey to The Center of The Earth” “You can’t lead a dangerous expedition to the center of the earth,” says scientist James Mason to Arlene Dahl. “You’re just a woman – and as everyone knows, women are frail, weak and stupid enough to wear frilly bloomers on a trip down into an extinct volcano.” Add to that Pat Boone singing, lots of irresponsible spelunking, a pet duck that gets eaten by the bad guy (who is then killed by the duck’s owner in an act of justifiable homicide) and a giant lizard at the end that tries to eat everyone, and you’ve got a movie that irritates women, gives boys bad ideas (“We should see if that sewer down on the corner leads to the center of the earth!”) and causes nightmares. “Charlotte’s Web” Oh, look… it’s a cute little spider that can read and write! And what’s this? She uses her talents to save a pig from being slaughtered? How noble and touching! But then she dies, because that’s the natural order of things and God-forbid we spare kids that (unfortunate) truth. “Grease” Good girl moves to town. Good girl falls in with “wrong” crowd. Good girl takes up smoking and learns to dress like a 1950s slut. Good girl becomes bad girl and gets the boy of her dreams, becomes insanely popular, lives happily ever after. Now that’s a message you want to send to you kids, right? “Boy’s Town” An entire town full of priests and young boys? Wasn’t there a lawsuit about this? Haven’t there been a lot of lawsuits about this? As innocent and uplifting as this movie was at the time, it takes on an entirely different subtext now. “Pollyanna” This movie should be avoided if there’s any chance any of your kids will watch it and then try to be like Hayley Mills, because that would be really, really annoying. “Captains Courageous” Boy falls off boat. Boat doesn’t stop. Abandonment issues follow. “Mary Poppins” PARENT: Wanna watch Mary Poppins? “Willy Wonka” Gene Wilder is great, but as responsible parents, do we really want to give our kids the message that if they do what they’re told they’ll be rewarded, and if they act spoiled, have no self-control, are too demanding, too self-centered, etc. something bad will happen to them? On second thought, maybe this is a movie all kids should see.
WIFE: Do these pants make me look fat? KID: Can I juggle knives? Sometimes parents do need to say more than just “No,” which is where the Parental Response Generator (PRG) comes in handy: it randomly generates an appropriate response to just about anything kids might ask.
To generate other responses, just click the bold text in the box below. Mess up? Say something you shouldn’t have? Pick the wrong time to make the right point?
Use the “Send to a friend” button below to send via SHARETHIS.COM Or click here for more free ecards. Most school districts have guidelines for homework, which are generally 10 minutes per night per grade. This information is usually included in the “Back to School” handout, or available on a web site. What they don’t tell you is that they don’t mean students are expected to spend 10 minutes per night per grade doing homework, they mean parents are expected to spend 10 minutes per night per grade — usually just to get your kids to sit down and get started, too. Add to that the time it takes to make them double-check their work, re-read the directions so they do it right this time, call a classmate when the finally admit they can’t re-read the directions because they “forgot” them at school, re-do everything one more time… and then suddenly it’s 10:30 and you’re wondering where your evening went. And that’s on a good night. On a bad night, you have to factor in the additional time it takes to wipe away the tears your grade school kid sheds because they’re afraid that when you scream you’re going to throw all the video games and game players in the house in the trash if they don’t focus “RIGHT NOW!” you actually mean it, or the time it takes to think up the increasingly harsh forms of punishment you threaten your jr. high or high school kid with to get them to quite screwing around and get their assignment done — note to Dick Cheney: getting a terrorist to write a detailed confession isn’t all that different than getting a kid to write a history paper, so imagine all the controversy you could have avoided if you’d just asked the nation’s parents to tell you what really works? There’s also the time it takes you to work through the shame and embarrassment you feel when you realize you’ve forgotten so much Math, Science, History and Social Studies that even when you finally snap and scream “Here, just let me do it!” you can’t actually do it. Cosine? Pi? The atomic number of ruthenium? The capital of Botswana? Uh… There was a time when students got homework and if they didn’t do it they’d get yelled at the next day by their teacher, paddled, given detention, or forced to stay after class while everybody else went outside to play so they could write “I promise I will not forget to do my homework again” 100 times on the blackboard. Now parents are responsible. Which means when there’s a note that gets sent home because there’s a problem, it blames you, asking what the Hell kind of uninvolved, uninterested, unfit parent you are for failing on such a regular basis to get your kid to sit down every night to complete such a simple thing as each day’s assignment. Or worse, all of the above plus the reminder that there’s a 25 page Social Studies report due on Friday: YOU: I just got a note from your teacher. What’s a parent to do? If you’re like many, you’ll eventually turn to your own parents for help, asking them how they endured homework’s Long March. But the only thing they’ll do is laugh and say there’s nothing you can do, and that as awful as your kids seem, they’re not any worse than you were when you were their age: YOU: Wow. Ouch. (On the other hand, whether it’s Math, Science or Social Studies when you’re a kid, or Parenting, Perspective and Anger Management when you’re an adult, it’s nice to know that you can still turn to your parents for help you with your homework.) Husband: “Ready?” Editor’s note: when husbands were asked if they thought this joke was mildly-to-moderately amusing, 84% said “yes;” when wives were asked the same question, 91% said “What joke? You think it’s easy getting ready? We can’t just hop in the shower and be done. We have to do our hair, put on our make-up, and then clean up the bathroom before we leave because our husbands NEVER do. Seriously, do they want the babysitter to think we’re slobs? And how hard is it to hang up a towel and wipe down the sink, anyway? If you want to talk about getting ready to go out, men are the real joke, and we don’t think it’s funny.” Codependency is a dysfunction associated with excessively focusing on the needs and behaviors of others. But isn’t that also what parenting is all about?
So then if parenting does qualify as a mental illness, shouldn’t health insurance pay for some kind of treatment like a week alone on a beach in Cabo San Lucas or even just a night of babysitting? KINDERGARTENER: I don’t think my teacher knows how to tell time. Since educators are always looking for ways to make lessons more relevant to students, how about using more realistic scenarios in story problems? For example:
As if homework wasn’t depressing enough… WIFE: My mom says she’ll watch the kids. And still we complain we never get the chance to go out. Now that the cold and (swine) flu season is upon us, it’s important to take a few moments to review the rules for when a child will be sent home:
And once your child has been sent home, your child must stay home for a minimum of either 48 hours from the onset of the first symptom, or 24 hours after the last symptom subsides, whichever is more inconvenient. Nobody said parenting would be easy, but that’s why God (and McDonald’s) created Happy Meals: nothing gives you that brief moment of inner-peace and contentment you need to maintain your fingertip-hold on sanity like a colorful cardboard box with some food and a plastic gender-specific toy inside – anytime, anywhere, for any reason, all without a prescription. Kids fighting over the XBOX? Sure, you could sit down and explain why it’s important they respect each other and learn to work things out, or you could just say “If you stop fighting I’ll take you to McDonald’s.” Same thing with motivating your kids to get their homework done. Or playing with their annoying younger sibling. Or cheering up. Or not causing trouble in the backseat on the way to Target. Because when kids are happy and content, parents are happy and content. Name 80 mg. of anything you could get at the doctor that does that? PARENT: I need a prescription for Prozac. Not that Happy Meals are perfect; they exceed the recommended daily allowance for saturated fat, salt, and just about everything else you’re not supposed to have too much of, but that’s only a concern if you think of Happy Meals as food: if you think of them as medication, they’re essentially side-effect free. (Just watch one hour of prime time and you’ll see drug commercials that warn about bloating, headaches, nausea, constipation, stomach cramps, muscle pain, muscle weakness, fever, dry mouth, bloodshot eyes, involuntary spasms, double-vision and painful erections lasting more than four hours – Happy Meals don’t cause any of these.) Happy Meals main flaw is they’re so nutritionally-challenged they’re likely to make kids fat. But while childhood obesity is nothing to take lightly, neither is psychological health and well-being – and isn’t it better for kids to carry a few extra pounds than carry repressed memories of their parents being so stressed out and overwhelmed all the time the only thing they ever did was yell and scream? There are other ways to take the stress out of parenting, of course, but while previous generations relied on the stick, today’s caregivers are clearly more comfortable with the carrot – especially when it’s breaded, deep-fried and shaped like a nugget. (Even Vegans, who could use actual carrots for the carrot, choose breaded, deep-fried tofu-ken nuggets.) If there’s any real problem with Happy Meals it’s the fact that you have to get them from McDonalds, which means half the time you’ll get boy toys instead of girl toys, or BBQ sauce instead of ranch, or a cheeseburger instead of a hamburger, or one of those awful, healthy sides instead of French fries. And you won’t realize it until you’re 10 miles away. And then not even a Happy Meal is powerful enough to neuter the irritation and frustration that follows. 4-YEAR-OLD: Is that women fat? |
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