They say: We don’t eat anything that’s not organic.

They mean: …except McDonald’s, KFC, Taco Bell or anyone else who gives a toy with a meal.

They say: I never spank my kids.

They mean: …unless they talk back, won’t listen, embarrass me in public or just piss me off.

They say: I only let my kids watch educational programming.

They mean: Cinemax is educational, right?

They say: My kids brush and floss their teeth every night without being told.

They mean: I think my kids brush and floss their teeth every night without being told, but I’m not really sure because I fall asleep on the sofa at 7:30.

They say: I never lie to my kids.

They mean: …unless I have to.

They say: My kids are really good eaters.

They mean: …as long as they get food they like, otherwise, just forget it.

They say: My kids are responsible.

They mean: …for leading all the other kids in the neighborhood astray.