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AN EYE FOR AN EYE?

DICK CHENEY: Jesus Christ!
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN: Hey! I know you’re angry, but don’t take the Lord’s name in vain.
DICK CHENEY: I’m not — look!
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN: Jesus Christ!
JESUS: In the flesh. Ha. Ha. Ha.
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN: What’s so funny?
JESUS: Inside joke.
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN: Does this mean the Rapture is upon us?
JESUS: No.
DICK CHENEY: Oh… then why are you here?
JESUS: It’s this torture business.
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN: Terrible, isn’t it? I can’t believe everyone is making such a big deal out of our overwhelming support for it.
JESUS: I know, I find it really disturbing.
DICK CHENEY: What do you expect from the liberal media!?!?!?!
JESUS: I’m not here because of them.
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN: Huh?
JESUS: You realize that I was tortured, don’t you? And that cross you wear around your neck symbolizes the suffering I endured so that you and everyone else could be saved?
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN: Yeah, but that’s different.
JESUS: Is it?
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN: You’re the Son of God.
DICK CHENEY: Not some terrorist.
JESUS: Tell me if any of these sound familiar: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN: Uh… that’s Luke 6:27.
JESUS: How about this one: “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing.”
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN: That’s Peter 3:9.
JESUS: And what about this: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.”
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN: That’s Romans 12:20 — but then it says “In doing this, you will heap burning coals on your enemy’s head.”
JESUS: That’s correct.
DICK CHENEY: “Burning coals” — that’s clearly torture.
JESUS: No, that’s clearly a metaphor – when I say “heap burning coals on his head” I mean your actions will ultimately soften his resolve and turn your enemy into a friend.
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN: Seriously?
JESUS: As God is my witness — Get it?
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN: So you want us to treat our enemies with respect and kindness, not torture?
JESUS: You’ll have to decide for yourself.
EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN: Oh.
JESUS: But when I come back I’ll let you know if you were right or if you’ll be left behind.
DICK CHENEY: GULP!

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