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ALTERNATIVE NOMINEES FOR THE SUPREME COURT

Lindsay Lohan

Since the public is more interested in celebrity than the law (except where the two collide), why not add a little star-power to the Supreme Court?

Rumors of whether she’s dating Ruth Bader Ginsburg or not would keep the tabloids buzzing for months, and after that there’d certainly be a steady stream of scandal and indiscretion.

The winner of the next American Idol

Every court case is really just a glorified popularity contest anyway, so at least this would bring in somebody with national experience.

David Letterman

A lot of people say legal opinions are a joke, but at least this way they’d be funny.

A XXX Porn Star

This way when people say they were screwed by the court, at least it would have been done by a professional.

Simon Cowell

Given the way he shreds everybody who appears before him, it would certainly make C-Span coverage of Supreme Court arguments fun to watch. (Though it might make Judge Scalia jealous, since he’s the one who does this kind of thing right now.)

Jeb Bush

After what George W. did to the family name, the only shot he has at any kind of position of power in the U.S. is one he’s appointed to.

Dan Brown, James Paterson, John Grisham etc.

Supreme Court opinions are usually so boring, nobody reads them. At least with one of these guys they’d be popular page-turners where you wouldn’t find out whether they dissent, concur or side with the majority until the very last sentence. Plus, all those convoluted twists and turns of logic that sometimes seem to come out of nowhere would just be seen as good ways of advancing the plot.

Bill Clinton

People wonder what Supreme Court Justices wear under their robes, but with him on the bench everybody would know: nothing.

Nancy Reagan’s old Astrologer

Because maybe it’s time legal opinions were based on something besides an interpretation of the law?

A random citizen

If being randomly selected is good enough for being on a jury, why not use the same criteria for being on the bench, too? While it’s true that most people don’t know the first thing about the law, that just gives lawyers an advantage.

Besides, wouldn’t it be refreshing to hear a Supreme Court Justice say “it may be legal, but it’s stupid. So I say ‘Strike it down!’”

The “Octomom”

While you could question her judgment in having so many babies, with that many kids in her care, she’ll have to master the art of making Solomon-like decisions, which is exactly the kind of thing a good Supreme Court Judge should do.

Bozo, The Clown

For the obvious reason that confirmation hearings have become nothing more than a 3-ring circus.

Oprah

For millions of Americans, her word is already law, so why not just go ahead and put some Constitutional authority behind it?

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