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INDEPENDENCE FOR TEXAS

In light of Texas Governor Rick Perry’s recent flirtation with independence, other states might do well to consider seceding, too:

Illinois

Secedes for 48 hours – long enough to declare all forms of political corruption, both past and present, legal, then rejoins United States.

Louisiana

Declares independence, then lobbies U.S. government for humanitarian aid to finish repairs from hurricane Katrina.

Mississippi, Arkansas

Follow Louisiana’s lead in the hope of getting aid, but are shocked to discover that with nothing of significance except The William J. Clinton Presidential Library, the U.S. government just isn’t interested in giving them any money. Stiffed, they form a new country called “Miss An”, and — after U.S. stops providing operating funds for the Clinton Library — they turn it into a whorehouse, which everybody thinks if kind of appropriate.

For the U.S., not having to include Mississippi in secondary school math, science and reading proficiency test results instantly bumps it from 39th in the world to 14th, which the Obama administration uses as proof its education policies are working.

North Dakota & South Dakota

Both declare independence, but tensions mount when they each demand to be called simply “Dakota.” War breaks out, and for a while it looks like South Dakota will win until newly-independent Montana – which seceded when the federal government balked at its plans to abolish speed limits on all of its roads – comes in on the side of the former North Dakota.

Florida

Leaves union, reveals itself to be populated almost entirely by aliens.

Michigan’s Upper Peninsula

Leaves U.S. for Canada, doesn’t see any real difference except in switching from dollars to loonies.

Utah

HBO mounts stealth grassroots campaign for Utah independence in an attempt to boost ratings for “Big Love,” but ultimately pulls out when it realizes it doesn’t have any money left to spend after subscriptions wither away because it doesn’t have any hits anymore.

Nevada

Declares independence, legalizes everything, but is then mysteriously swallowed up by a giant sandstorm that many claim came to be the handiwork of God, but is really just an unexpected consequence of Lake Mead going completely dry.

Puerto Rico

Given the exodus of states, Puerto Rico finally makes a serious bid for statehood but is rejected.

California

Initially splits into North California and South California, with capitols in San Jose and Burbank, respectively. Following the passage of Proposition 2BU, San Francisco is allowed to declare itself a sovereign nation akin to Vatican City (or, perhaps, the anti-Vatican City), but this liberal utopia quickly goes to shit when President Newsom gives into City Council pressure and abolishes the rule of law entirely. Within days, it becomes clear that nobody is inherently fair and good, as many in the area had come to believe, and are instead selfish and cruel, as Conservatives had long suggested. It isn’t until Nancy Pelosi kisses Dick Cheney’s fat, white ass that he agrees to provide her with a Haliburton private contractor army she can use to restore order.

Texas

After holding a press conference to say he hadn’t advocated secession, Gov. Rick Perry holds another press conference to say that he misspoke at the earlier press conference and that he did, in fact, suggest that Texas secede — until he realizes that if Texas secedes it would have to deal with illegal immigration and border violence without the benefit of federal funds, and then reverses himself on reversing himself on reversing himself until nobody knows what the Hell he means and elects somebody else Governor.

Washington D.C.

Finally allowed to become a state, but elects Marion Berry Governor and then has statehood revoked for lack of jugement.

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