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Shortly after announcing plans to shut down Gitmo at some point in the not-too-distant future, President Obama was attacked by Republicans for living in fantasyland if he thinks this can happen, if for no other reason than there’s nowhere else the government can house detainees – at least not anywhere they could legally continue to deny them their legal rights.
“Maybe we should re-open Alcatraz and put them there?” joked House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), probably because the island prison is located in House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s district.
But instead of dismissing these gripes, perhaps it would behoove President Obama to actually consider what his opponents are saying?
Take Alcatraz. While it’s now a National Park, it was once the nation’s most secure prison, so it’s not like we haven’t put scary people there before. Nobody has every successfully escaped from Alcatraz, either, except Clint Eastwood and Sean Connery, but they only did it in the movies. And even if one of these dangerous fundamentalist Islamic terrorists did escape, they’d wind up in San Francisco, which – with its ultra-liberal ways, vibrant gay and lesbian community and tolerance for pretty much anything – is probably the one place in the world they’d be so horrified to see they’d just drop dead from shock.
As for the fantasyland comment, parents everywhere can attest that the real Fantasyland, located in Disney’s Magic Kingdom, would make a good place for detainees, too, because not only is it nearly impossible to escape from, no matter how hard you try or what methods you resort to – i.e. bribes, threats, various forms of verbal abuse etc. – it has the added benefits of having its own security force, so it’s not subject to local laws, being conveniently located just a few hours from the Everglades, where uncooperative tourists terrorists can be “accidentally” dropped off to be eaten by crocodiles, and in light of harsher forms of interrogation being outlawed, it comes complete with the simple yet effective way of coercing confessions from prisoners: making them ride “It’s a Small World” over and over again.
Plus, in terms of cost, as outrageous as many feel ticket prices are, they’re still nothing compared to what the government is already spending on detainees right now.
On the other hand, since Disney might object to one of it’s theme parks being used to house terrorists, perhaps a better alternative would be the DMV. While not quite as secure as a place with walls or fences, it’s still pretty much impossible to ever get out of, at least not with your sanity in tact, and given the on-going legal questions concerning equal protection, it’s worth noting that everybody who winds up at the DMV – detainee or American citizen – has their most most basic human rights violated repeatedly, effortlessly and without consequence.
And anyone worried that detainees might be treated too kindly at such a place need only imagine them standing in line for 18 hours or more while waiting for the next window to become available, being forcibly restrained as two 400 lb. women sit down on either side of them in the waiting area, or being subjected to water-boarding’s distant cousin: the written and driving portions of the Driver’s License exam.
Then again, as Abu Ghraib was closed for similar abuses, perhaps the best solution would be to simply house the detainees with members of Congress who are too busy sniping and complaining to offer realistic alternatives, because nothing would motivate them to find a bipartisan solution more than having to share a bathroom with the jihadist in the guest room.
Not for the way he’s handled the nation’s business (both sides of the aisle seem to give him good marks so far) but because he let his daughters have a sleepover on a school night.
A SCHOOL NIGHT!
If one of his goals is to lead by example, what kind of example does this set for the rest of America’s parents?
Kid: Can I have a sleepover tonight?
Parent: No.
Kid: Why not?
Parent: ‘cause it’s a school night.
Kid: But President Obama let his daughters have a sleepover on a school night.
Parent: Well… he’s the President of The United States, he can do whatever he wants.
Kid: But it’s wrong for the president to just “do whatever he wants” – at least that’s what you said about George W. Bush.
Parent: Uh…
As if that wasn’t bad enough, he had the audacity to arrange for screenings of both “High School Musical 3” and “Bolt,” which won’t be out on home video for months (except in China), followed by a private concert by Jonas Brothers.
There’s no question the First Daughters deserve something special for what they have gone through over the last 18 months, but it’s important to be conservative (just this once, anyway) because there are a lot of parents in American who will do anything for their kids – even vote Republican in 2012 if that’s the only way they can avoid being shown up.
For all of us who have become suspicious of anything imported from China and (perhaps) even went as far as to question how inferior, out-dated and inadequate their standards could be to have allowed consumers to be exposed to so many dangers comes the news that our very own peanut butter industry is no better.
On the other hand, at least if we’re eating crow we probably won’t get salmonella.
While administering the Oath of Office today to Barack Obama, Chief Justice John Roberts departed from the original text and said “…execute the Office of The President of The United State faithfully…” instead of “…faithfully execute the Office of The President…” As the Oath is part of The Constitution, legal scholars immediately weighed in. Strict Constructionists defended Roberts by pointing out that this was nothing more than a minor change and that when his intent and other contributing factors were taken into account it was clearly no big deal. Liberals disagreed, naturally, and quickly condemned Roberts for such a blatant act of judicial activism. While pretty much everyone else just assumed Roberts messed up because it was cold.
With companies closing divisions, merging, going into bankruptcy and getting bought, etc. the landscape of American business is changing. So what does the future hold?
Some possibilities:
- If Bank of America merged with American Standard, the new company could be called Bank of American Standard, where you could flush your savings goodbye
- Exxon Mobile could buy Larry Flynt Industries and become XXXon Mobile, and while that might seem odd at first, since oil company profits are every bit as obscene as pornography, why not?
- Goldman Sachs could buy Baer Sterns from JP Morgan Chase , merge it with Bank of New York to create the aptly named Sachs of B.S., which would explain why they went from needing billions in bailout money from the government to making billions in profit so quickly
- If MGM bought GM, the name would stay the same — MGM — but if you bought two DVDs you’d get a free minivan
- Since cars have pretty much become computers on wheels, BMW could buy IBM and become BMI, and hopefully it would give a pretty good indication of the health and fitness of the auto industry as a whole
- Chrysler could merge its namesake brand with Saturn and recently-funded Tesla to become ChryST. (though the chances it would come back from the dead if it ended up in bankruptcy would be zero)
- Looking to expand its research division, Apple could buy M.I.T. and become Apple Π
- Nokia, Palm and Go Phone could all merge to become Pa-Noki-Go, and then when they lied to you about how much your cellphone bill would be their nose would grow
- If T.G.I.Friday’s., Applebees, Outback Steakhouse and Claim Jumper merged, all the restaurants would keep their names but the parent company would single-handedly be responsible for 50% of America’s obesity epidemic (with the merger of KFC, Taco Bell, Burger King and McDonald’s taking care of the other 50%)
- To more accurately communicate their current lending practices, Japan’s Norinchukin Bank could merge with Credit Suisse First Boston to become NO Credit
- Or as a way of reflecting the (probably temporary) humility banks are feeling these days, JP Morgan Chase could buy up what’s left of all the other banks and then call themselves Chastened (though probably not for long)
- Given the fact that it probably has nothing better to do with its billions in cash reserves, Microsoft could buy Mr. Softee and become Mr. Microsoftee, where you would get a free cone with every copy of Windows
- If McDonald’s won the espresso wars and bought Starbucks, it’s hard to say if they would change the name of their McCafes to McStarbucks or not, but God help you if you ever used the drive-thru
- General Electric, America’s #1 company, could combine with the TaTa Group, India’s #1 company, to become General TaTa, and then also get a featured role in the next Bond movie as the ultimate global villain
- If Target merged with Kohl’s, J.C. Penny and Sears, it would still be called Target, but only because that’s how Wal-Mart would see it
- If the Federal Reserve Board, The Securities and Exchange Commission, the Federal Trade Commission and the FDIC merged, they would have some impossibly long name, but Republicans, Capitalists and everybody on Wall Street would just call the new government body the Big DIC.
- While it wouldn’t require a merger, Toys R Us should change its name to Toys R Uh… Let Me Ask Somebody Else to reflect its employees knowledge of the products they sell
- If Twitter, Facebook, MySpace and Linkedin all combined, it wouldn’t even matter what the company would be called because everybody under 35 would start using something else and everybody over 35 would realize they have better things to do than tweet.
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