| 01. How would you describe yourself politically? |
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Moderate. |
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Liberal. |
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Conservative. |
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Right. |
| 02. In the last election, which candidate did you vote for? The one I liked the best. |
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The one I agreed with the most on the issues. |
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The one I felt would do the best job leading the country. |
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The one I thought would win. |
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The same one I vote for in every election — the one my party tells me to. |
| 03. “Vigorous debate” is to “healthy democracy” what: |
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“yeast” is to “bread.” |
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“truth” is to “justice.” |
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“rat infestation” is to “uninhabitable property.” |
| 04. People who don’t agree with you on the issues are: |
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Entitled to their opinion. |
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Entitled to their opinion, even though I believe they’re clearly wrong. |
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The enemy. |
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Obviously going to Hell. |
| 05. The greatest threat facing America right now is: |
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Terrorism. |
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The economic crisis. |
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Global warming. |
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Blowback from the failed policies of George W. Bush. |
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People who disagree with me. |
| 06. Bill Clinton is: |
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One of the most effective presidents of the 20th Century. |
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Probably having sex with somebody other than his wife right now. |
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A liar. |
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Not nearly as frightening as Nancy Pelosi. |
| 07. George W. Bush is: |
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A fundamentally decent man who but did the best he could under the circumstances. |
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Gone, so let’s just forget about him and move on. |
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To blame. |
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To blame for every problem we’ve had since Ronald Reagan ruined the country. |
| 08. What would you do if Sarah Palin were elected president in 2012? |
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Be very surprised. |
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Be shocked. |
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Be happy America has finally come to its senses.v Be vindicated. |
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Be ready to show her all the support she needs in reclaiming America for “real” Americans. |
| 09. I hope Barack Obama: |
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Succeeds. |
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Succeeds, even though I didn’t vote for him. |
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Single-handedly ushers in a new era of Republican dominance after being rebuked for trying to turn America into a socialist country. |
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Keeps my name in the press, because it’s good for ratings. |
| 10. What would you do if you had to work with somebody from the opposite side of the political spectrum? |
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Try to find common ground. |
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Kill myself. |
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Kill them. |
| 11. Who do you most blame for today’s problems? |
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Nobody, because blame is counterproductive. |
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Myself. |
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All of us because we’ve clearly made some bad choices lately, but now is the time to come together to set things right. |
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Two-Party Democracy — ’cause if we didn’t waste so much time and money dealing with the other side’s stupid ideology we could actually make America what it was meant to be. |
| 12. If you were stranded without food in the Andes with a group of politicians, what would you do? |
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Nothing, because Democrats and Republican don’t do anything together these days, so obviously I’m dreaming. |
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Take a vote to see who goes for help and hope nobody filibusters. |
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Eat the Republicans, since those fat-cats are probably as marbled as a prime cut of kobe beef. |
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Starve, ’cause Democrats leave a bad taste in my mouth. |
| 13. Political ideology is: |
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A starting point for informed debate. |
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The basis for legitimate differences between well-intentioned parties. |
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Stupid. |
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Stupid when it’s not my own. |
| 14. What does it mean to live in a democracy? |
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That I have to tolerate other points of view. |
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That I have to defend the rights of people I don’t agree with as vigorously as I defend my own rights. |
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More work. |
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That I can’t just sue, imprison, deport or beat the shit out of anyone I don’t agree with, no matter how much I want to. |
| 15. It’s important to be bipartisan because: |
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America can only be great if we all come together. |
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That’s what the Founding Fathers intended. |
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Actually, I don’t believe it’s important to be bipartisan at all. (And not just because I’m in Congress.) |
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“Important to be bipartisan?” What are you, naive? |
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