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ARE YOU BIPARTISAN?

01. How would you describe yourself politically?
Moderate.
Liberal.
Conservative.
Right.
02. In the last election, which candidate did you vote for? The one I liked the best.
The one I agreed with the most on the issues.
The one I felt would do the best job leading the country.
The one I thought would win.
The same one I vote for in every election — the one my party tells me to.
03. “Vigorous debate” is to “healthy democracy” what:
yeast” is to “bread.”
truth” is to “justice.”
rat infestation” is to “uninhabitable property.”
04. People who don’t agree with you on the issues are:
Entitled to their opinion.
Entitled to their opinion, even though I believe they’re clearly wrong.
The enemy.
Obviously going to Hell.
05. The greatest threat facing America right now is:
Terrorism.
The economic crisis.
Global warming.
Blowback from the failed policies of George W. Bush.
People who disagree with me.
06. Bill Clinton is:
One of the most effective presidents of the 20th Century.
Probably having sex with somebody other than his wife right now.
A liar.
Not nearly as frightening as Nancy Pelosi.
07. George W. Bush is:
A fundamentally decent man who but did the best he could under the circumstances.
Gone, so let’s just forget about him and move on.
To blame.
To blame for every problem we’ve had since Ronald Reagan ruined the country.
08. What would you do if Sarah Palin were elected president in 2012?
Be very surprised.
Be shocked.
Be happy America has finally come to its senses.v Be vindicated.
Be ready to show her all the support she needs in reclaiming America for “real” Americans.
09. I hope Barack Obama:
Succeeds.
Succeeds, even though I didn’t vote for him.
Single-handedly ushers in a new era of Republican dominance after being rebuked for trying to turn America into a socialist country.
Keeps my name in the press, because it’s good for ratings.
10. What would you do if you had to work with somebody from the opposite side of the political spectrum?
Try to find common ground.
Kill myself.
Kill them.
11. Who do you most blame for today’s problems?
Nobody, because blame is counterproductive.
Myself.
All of us because we’ve clearly made some bad choices lately, but now is the time to come together to set things right.
Two-Party Democracy — ’cause if we didn’t waste so much time and money dealing with the other side’s stupid ideology we could actually make America what it was meant to be.
12. If you were stranded without food in the Andes with a group of politicians, what would you do?
Nothing, because Democrats and Republican don’t do anything together these days, so obviously I’m dreaming.
Take a vote to see who goes for help and hope nobody filibusters.
Eat the Republicans, since those fat-cats are probably as marbled as a prime cut of kobe beef.
Starve, ’cause Democrats leave a bad taste in my mouth.
13. Political ideology is:
A starting point for informed debate.
The basis for legitimate differences between well-intentioned parties.
Stupid.
Stupid when it’s not my own.
14. What does it mean to live in a democracy?
That I have to tolerate other points of view.
That I have to defend the rights of people I don’t agree with as vigorously as I defend my own rights.
More work.
That I can’t just sue, imprison, deport or beat the shit out of anyone I don’t agree with, no matter how much I want to.
15. It’s important to be bipartisan because:
America can only be great if we all come together.
That’s what the Founding Fathers intended.
Actually, I don’t believe it’s important to be bipartisan at all. (And not just because I’m in Congress.)
Important to be bipartisan?” What are you, naive?

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